I was still pretty new to my wife’s family. I felt accepted, even loved — but I was still on my best behavior every time I walked into my in-laws’ kitchen.
One evening after work, my brother-in-law turned to me. “Justin, what do you think about this name for our baby girl?” He said the name. I shrugged, nodded, and said, “Cool.”
He spun around to the rest of the room. “See! That’s how you’re supposed to do it!”
Turns out someone else’s face had already given away exactly what they thought.
My nonchalant little “cool” wasn’t really nonchalant, though. It was calculated. I didn’t want to pick a side I didn’t need to pick. And in that kitchen, it worked — probably saved my bacon.
⚡️ F5 Fast Files - Short Summary
The same habit that saved me with my in-laws is costing us.
Their dopamine hit is riding almost entirely on the reaction they get from you. Unfair? Sure. True anyway.
Stoicism doesn’t mean what most guys think it means.
🧊 From Cool to Cold
I’ve been thinking about that kitchen response lately, because what if I ran that same play in other rooms where it doesn’t belong?
My brother says he and his wife are expecting. “Cool.”
My sister tells me her boyfriend just proposed. “Cool.”
My wife spends an hour getting ready for our date night. “Cool.”
My son runs up with a drawing from preschool. “Cool.”
We already know that’s not the right way to handle exciting news, but you’d be surprised how easy it is to rattle off some nonchalant response when avoidance or distraction are an auto-response habit.
😔 The Cost of Not Reacting
One part that isn’t fair, but is true anyway: Their memory of that moment is riding almost entirely on the reaction they get from you. You give a flat “cool,” and no matter how good your reasons are, it lands as a letdown. You’re not just withholding an opinion, you’re withholding the payoff they came looking to you for.
It’s easier with kids, honestly. A four-year-old is already thrilled about the drawing before they hand it to you — you just have to match the energy they’re already bringing. Adults are harder, because they often come to you a little more hesitant, testing the water before they show you what they’re excited about. You don’t need to fabricate some over-the-top compliment. Just say the true thing you’re actually feeling, out loud, instead of filing it away behind a “cool.”
This isn’t just about good news, either. The same flat non-reaction can do real damage on the other side.
When someone tells you something hard — a diagnosis, a job loss, a fear they’ve been sitting on — and you don’t visibly react, it can read as dismissal. Like you weren’t moved. Like it didn’t land. Even if that’s the furthest thing from true.
🗿 Stoicism Isn’t a Robot
It’s popular right now for men to chase stoicism. Controlled. Unbothered. I think there’s real value buried in that, but I think most guys are aiming at the wrong target.
The point of stoicism was never to turn into an emotionless robot. It was to gain control of your emotions so you could use them on purpose, instead of being dragged around by them. Control isn’t the same thing as suppression. A man who’s mastered his emotions can choose to express them, deliberately, exactly when it matters. That’s the whole point of having mastered them in the first place!
Expression is a skill like any other. It’s not manipulative to let someone see you’re genuinely excited for them. It’s not weakness to let your face show real concern when someone’s hurting. And you don’t have to fake anything to do either one — you just have to stop filing the real reaction behind a “cool” and let it out.
“Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.” (Romans 12:15)
That’s part of what November is for, too. A retreat isn’t just time away — it’s three days with men who won’t let you hide behind “cool.” Real reactions, real conversations, no performing required.
Come to St. George and bring the version of yourself that’s actually allowed to feel something out loud.
I don’t want my own family wondering how I really feel about them just because I stayed too guarded to show it. Expression is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. But the guys who make it a habit in their closest relationships end up with deeper bonds than the guys who don’t. Because the people who love them are finally getting the real version, instead of the calculated one.
Justin
F5 Brotherhood
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