Here’s a couple polar opposites from the last couple weeks, which one resonates with you more? (Yes, these are both my personal examples)
Your responsibilities have become super demanding lately, you HAVE to get this project done! Finishing it up will lower everybody’s stress levels. You look at your watch, geez man! This is the 3rd or 4th time recently you’ll be getting back after midnight. I hope the kids didn’t make bedtime too hard on her.
Ahhhh. You’re finally off work and want to leave it there. I swear, all day you have to act like everyone else’s brain and now you just want to sit down and NOT think for a few minutes. Of course you still help with the bedtime routine, but when it’s over, the rest of the evening is a mix of a TV show playing in the background with you and your wife both scrolling social media.
One pulls you away physically.
The other still pulls you away mentally.
Either way there’s no escaping the effects.
⚡️ F5 Fast Files - Short Summary
Sterling drops the wisdom for Fire Team Alpha!
What if the right thing to do is to not do anything?
She just needs some space.
The fam isn’t just competing against work for your attention.
💸 Deposits & Withdrawals
Most marriages do not collapse all at once.
They drift.
Two people who once could not wait to talk to each other slowly become:
logistics partners,
co-parents,
roommates,
managers of schedules and responsibilities.
The relationship is still functioning…
…but connection slowly gets replaced by efficiency.
Life just quietly filled every available space.
This week in Fire Team Alpha we discussed something that challenged me:
“Meaningful Deposits”
The idea is simple - Every relationship has an account.
Whether we realize it or not, we are either making deposits into that account…
or taking withdrawals from it.
🪤The Provider Trap
A lot of men genuinely believe they are loving their family well because they are working hard.
Providing.
Building.
Grinding.
Sacrificing.
Solving problems.
Carrying responsibility.
And all of those things matter.
But doing these things for your family misses the mark if you don’t return to the family. Mind and body. Fully present.
What’s funny is on that call (and guys, we all do this) the next part of the conversation went like this: “Yeah you’re right! We need to make more meaningful deposits with our wives, what do you guys do to make deposits?”
Hmm, a swing and a miss. Here’s why👇
❎ What I don’t do
I wasn’t sure why brainstorming ideas felt wrong until Sterling made this observation.
He said,
“It’s not so much about what I DO, as if I constantly need to take an action or MAKE a deposit. Sometimes it’s more about what I DON’T DO.
Holding space for her where I’m not doing anything else. Not filling that time with work, responsibilities, my phone, or scrolling. Just being there and talking with her.“
I thought that was profound.
As men, we naturally want to turn everything into an action item.
Buy flowers.
Plan the date.
Fix the thing.
Solve the problem.
Complete the task.
All good things, but often the greatest gift is our undivided presence.
Just space.
Space where she feels seen, heard, chosen, prioritized.
So yeah, wrap your head around this one. Please don’t miss the critical comma 🙏
The right thing to do is to not do anything, for her.
🧐 One Final Dilemma
We’ve heard it before and it’s absolutely true, in today’s world if you don’t choose what to do with your time, SOMETHING will fill it.
That’s why it’s so hard! You want to create time and space for your wife, kids, or God. But as soon as you free up some time there’s another opportunity, news article, episode, game, or post there waiting to fill it.
Like I shared recently on social media: You don’t want more “Free Time”, you want more “Presence Time.”
Because free time gets consumed.
Presence time means its already full.
One ACTION you can take is to build it into your schedule, for example “between 7:30-9pm I have presence practice with my wife.” Put it on the calendar!
The result is that you feel proactive in making meaningful deposits AND she receives a container of time where she is the priority.
⚔️ Wage the War
Maybe the meaningful deposit isn’t always an action item.
Maybe sometimes it’s a space item.
Maybe the deposit is intentionally refraining from other things so she can fully have the stage.
At the end of the day the people we love aren’t just competing against our work,
But against EVERYTHING fighting for our attention.
Don’t get sucked in, stay strong!
Justin
F5 Brotherhood
👇 If you found this newsletter valuable, please share! 👇
